vs.

I am no expert in child rearing BY ANY MEANS and I am not now nor have ever claimed to be....but....being around people who have never had kids almost makes me want to punch something (only when the topic of kids are discussed).
Let take a look back in time.......
I always like most kids. I never envisioned NOT being a mother and I was going to do it right and better than anyone. My kid was not going to stand up in his bench seat at a restaurant. He was not going to cry endlessly on a plane. He was not going to answer the phone then walk away and forget he answered it and I was going to be aware of what was going on so that when he did answer the phone I would be RIGHT there to take over. What I never took into account is that fact I might have to pee at some point and the phone might ring or I might just pretend I have to pee and lock myself in the bathroom for a moment alone.
There was a time I was stuffy and uptight and snobbish and annoyed by everyone. I was a bitch and I hate looking back on that person. I had lots of money, a great job, a great place to live and great clothes. Was I happy - Hell fucking yes I was happy. I was drinking expensive wine EVERY NIGHT. Eating at the best restaurants and buying $800 shoes without blinking.
Fast forward to this exact moment. I'm in the tank top I slept in (its 6:55pm), old Juicy sweat pants and a hoodie roger bought me at a time it was nice to wear smaller things. My socks don't match (cuz I just grabbed two knee socks in the dark) and my hair is a bloody mess. Am I just as happy? The appropriate answer is YES! But the reality is - I can't even compare this life with the one before. You can't compare working 80 hours a week and sleeping in and having no one to care for other than you to three kids, a husband, a home, real true friends, discount clothes and a job with no paycheck.
If a fairy came to me tonight while I was sleeping and said - pick a life - wealthy with no responsibility or getting by with more responsibility than you can even fathom I would take the later every day and twice on Sunday. That is what is so frustrating for me when I see someone with no kids try and judge a woman who has given up her career, life and money to be home for no other reason but because she wants to. Or to hear someone say "ugh, just get a nanny so you have some time for yourself." I want to scream at them you love yourself right now and I think that is awesome. Your shoes are so pretty and your clothes are beautiful . You travel and you say no matter what you are putting those kids on a plane and you are living the life you did before. Awesome. I wish you the best. But when you kid starts screaming and throwing cookie on the floor and his tiny body into the aisle then remember that little voice that said "I will never have a kid that throws a shit fit on the plane".
I'm judgemental I admit. Anyone who isn't is no friend of mine - and that is because we all have that judging voice in our head - its the ones that turns to me and tells me what that little voice says is the one I want to be with. The one that can look past the bad stuff that we all think and be real and share. Cuz here is the deal....WE ALL THINK IT.....and its sad to me when someone can't be true and share it because they are concerned what others think....but heres the deal - if you have the right people in your life they are already thinking it or saying it so you know you found the right crowd.
The endless battle of life with kids vs life without is a stupid one. You do whats best for you but stop pretending you know what its like to be so tired you crawl in bed at 8:00 each night and stop being pissed because someone does and it cuts into your life.

The Adventures of Max Kenndey

I was sitting at the park one day a few months back and I was listening to a group of women all bitching about there husbands. And I mean bitching. They were sitting in this tight little circle in the grass just peck peck pecking away and because I am sick and demented and wrong I sat there and wondered "I wonder how many of the 5 of your husbands is having an affair?" How many of them are so sick and tired of your endless nagging they have checked out? As I looked at them all one at a time and eavesdropped on the conversation and pretty much guessed at least 2 - maybe 3 of the 5.
I am obsessed with extramarital relationships. I find them fascinating and thrilling to read about and understand. Why are you doing this? Is something missing? Is something wrong? Is your marriage open? Does anyone know? Are you scared to get caught? But mostly I find the first two questions the most intriguing.
I am a FIRM believer in the fact we are animals and monogamy is ridiculous. JUST RIDICULOUS! Forever is a long fucking time and if you look at things from the animal kingdom and our purpose in life its to spread our seed or grow the seed.
Having said that do I believe monogamy can work - sure. But I bet its far less than any of us realize.
I'm no doctor (even though if I did it all over again I would take this psychology degree and run with it instead of heading into sales. I'd be sitting in my office with a sign outside that read "Dr. Jordan Marriage and Family Counseling").
I watched a documentary a bit ago about this hippie camp north of San Francisco. Its about getting in touch with yourself and your body which for this 'leader' meant orgy's, swapping and everyone being naked all day. It was a bit out there don't get me wrong but one of the things he said that stuck was "we are capable of loving more than one parent. Capable of loving more than one child. Of loving more than one sibling but our hearts are not capable of loving more than one partner?" I had NEVER thought of it like that before. Huh...my heart just closes off to anyone else because I am married or partnered? My pea brain started racing.... That is only fair but not what society accepts.

I've never watched the show Sister Wives but I get the concept and NO ONE can honestly tell me at one point you haven't thought "FUCK YOU ROGER (insert your own husbands name)! You are a toad and I can do this WITHOUT YOU! You damn sperm donor!!!!I have a vibrator so I'm good!" OK...clearly I have. I've thought If I can just get a group of other women together and live it would be great. No men to jack things up and piss me off. No one to tell me I'm doing something wrong or not good enough or just to nag and make messes and be annoying! I'd have built in friends to drink wine with and play games with and watch HGTV and we will skip through the flowers holding hands and singing.

Ok I got off track from the begging even though I'm not sure what the entire point of this was. Ahhh yes....Max Kennedy. Dear Max...dear sweet sweet Max. You are every man (and woman) who I am desperate to understand. I am completely intrigued by you and your sex drive. I want to know what your plan is? Is your goal long term sex? Is it temporary gratification? Do you think you are capable of feelings and will you run if that happens?
For those of you that read the post I later deleted about the oral sex.....THAT was MAX! (I deleted it for a reason so don't say anytihng about it...just remember). In that post I said Max was single....I lied....Max is married - gasp. I doubt Max knows he is my little pet project but he is. I'm sitting back watching and waiting and learning and loving it all.
Max is a good guy - a great guy actually but Max would surprise you all I think. (and no Max is not his real name HENCE 'All names have been changed to protect the guilty.' I am blessed (and I despise that word but really it fits) to be able to be privy to some great stories (like the oral sex) that I can no longer not share. I warn you they are graphic! They are fabulous! And to make them great they must be told in the first person so stick with me - ok. And DO NOT think for a second I don't hate myself daily for deleting the oral sex blog....but if you liked that then you will L O V E what is to come!

Crazy Pills

So I have clearly swallowed a bit more crazy pills lately than normal. I made a giant ass of myself and I can't seem to kick the feeling of shame and flat out embarrassment. I got drunk and said a bunch a stuff I shouldn't have said. I feel seriously awful and the BEST part is I don't 100% realize or know exactly what I said so I'm having a hard time apologizing in detail. Either way I think I pretty much closed that door and need to move forward.
What an asshole I can be and worse what a crazy bitch. Ugh I feel rotten.
I am trying to start the mid year anew.
Chill out on the wine. Stop bailing on my trainer. Stay the F off Facebook. Put my phone down and try and regain my spark. I don't know if its postpartum mixed with wine mixed with lack of sleep but I need a spring in my step. Vacation was nice but clearly no vacation in the true sense of the word. Three kids in a hotel room in San Diego for four days and it rained three! Holy shit can someone give me a sedative or at least give my husband one so I can survive.
Palm Springs is a few short weeks away and I'm so excited I'm actually giving myself headaches just thinking of chilling by the pool with a book. I'm going to be like a kid on Christmas morning! Jumping out of bed and running toward the pool (instead of the tree) jumping and skipping and squealing with glee the entire way. People are going to look at me like I'm crazy as I stand there crying because no one is sitting, pulling, grabbing on me. I will be able to pee alone and take a shower and no one rips back the curtain. No one repeating my name Mommy MOMMY MOMMY mommy mommy like a parrot.
Roger will be home with all three kids. I'm partially scared shitless and partially evil. I want him to realize how hard it can be to balance three babies and all I want is a little appreciation for what I do all the times while he is away but I have a feeling I will return home to "so what's so hard about this" attitude. Either way I don't care. I haven't had a vacation since Kian was 6 months old and it was only a night away for our anniversary!

And then on top of being pissy and being piss drunk I tried to post my family blog and was hit with "someone has deemed this link offensive and or spam". I literally said out loud - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? So I got pissed and deleted my Facebook account which created an entire new drama. NO I did not delete you....geez I'm so popular :) But isn't it funny the people you secretly want to care or notice never do. That you secretly want the text that says "you out there. don't see you on facebook". And let me tell you the sickest part of it all....I was off Facebook 6 days and I felt like I had died and was just a ghost floating around unable to communicate with anyone who had still lived. Like everyone was going on with normal life...I missed all the updates on what people were doing. Its sad...so sad....

Nip Snip Tuck

Its a rainy day and the boys are watching Toy Story 3, B is playing in her saucer. We just finished an art project that turned out nothing like I thought it would in my mind. Panting the hands and feet of three kids 5, 3 and 5 months may not have been my best idea to date....and as I look down the hallway I see two set of feet in yellow trim from the kitchen to the bathroom. hmmmmm....not. a. good. idea.
Roger is currently at the Urologist for a consult on an vasectomy or as I've been saying - a neutering. Roger does not seem to think its funny when I say that and last night he got a little snippy with me and said "ya know these are my balls we are talking about here. Can you stop saying neutering." No. No I can not....and let me tell you why.....
I was pregnant three times and three times my darling, compassionate husband watched me vomit from week 6 - 6month, 4month and 3 month. He said wonderful things like "can you not puke up the food I just bought you...you are wasting our money!"
When I was in labor with Sully and the anesthesiologist tried to kill me and then the epidural only worked on one side of my body and the contractions were a minute apart and he said "what does it feel like?" I couldn't answer from the pain so he asked again "what does it feel like?" I again couldn't answer and lay in silence with my hands over my eyes in the fetal position. He asked again "what does it feel like and I screamed "IT FEELS LIKE IT FUCKING HURTS!" and he rolled his eyes and said something like "I didn't think you were going to one of those women in labor...nice" and went to talk to the nurse.
Post delivery with Kian when I was virtually ripping my skin off my neck and face from a withdrawal of the epidural he laughed and made Dave Chappelle jokes when he was the crack head looking for rock.
And lastly when I was in labor with Bridget - 14.5 hours of excruciating labor with no pain meds and Pitocin and at hour 11 - 12 when I thought I might be on the verge of death I summoned up all my energy to say "need you. need you." and he huffed over (because I had woken him up) and I said "just push on my forehead as hard as you can....apparently I thought if he attempted to crush my skull that might distract me from the pain below....I was wrong and my darling husband said "jesus can you not grab my hand so hard! That hurts!" 14 hours and I didn't make a peep, not a grunt or a moan or an anything - I listened to the hardest, loudest noise of music I could find on repeat on my ipod.
So....do I think its funny he's scared about a 5 minute procedure they do in an office under a local - yea its funny! Am I compassionate - nope. And when he says...."you don't understand...they are my balls" I wanna say - no you don't understand....it was my stuff too that had two episiotomies and one rip from stem to Stearn. No one gave me a bag of peas and said take it easy for a few days...they handed me a baby with the ability to suck a watermelon through a straw and said 'put him/her on your boob and if you feel your uterus contract like labor pains you are doing it right!'

Let the Games Begin.....

Help me understand at what point in life do the games stop? I'm 33 years old and I'm tired of crap. I'm not perfect, kinda perfect or remotely perfect but I do my best to be a good person and consider others feelings. Now having said that I also reach a point where saying a giant F U feels good and I'm there.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm crazy because of others bipolar behavior. It messes with my head and its just plain odd ya know. Its not suppose to be this way at this stage in the game of life is it?
Let me tell you what else I'm sick of - TEXT MESSAGES. They can be so great and so - ugh annoying. Being mad at someone is way easier than it used to be. If you're pissed you don't respond. When your un-pissed you can cop out with the 'oh I didn't get your text.' or my favorite 'i've been really busy.' We have come to a place in this world where live communication is almost non-existent. Talking things out doesn't happen but sending 325 text messages that could be settled in a 5 minute call is how things fly. This is so dumb and it gives the weak and heartless the easy road and I've worked too hard to be a strong person to let this continue.
Sure lets text 'I'll met you at the park in 5' or 'I'm picking up dinner what sounds good?' But 'I don't have Breast Cancer' - not text appropriate or 'his wife was killed' HIGHLY inappropriate and YES I've received both in a text message!!!!!!!! Its coming to the point we will find out we've been fired via Blackberry Messenger!
And dear God what is this doing to our children - the future of the world? They aren't going to know how to even ask a girl out on a date. They won't know the feeling of rejection that isn't followed by a stupid ass smiley face or wink to cushion the blow!
I am trying to raise two future men and beautiful woman and I wish I could just take them back to 1980 and let them live there.

Wow - a post about being pissed at a person has turned into Alex against technology. Which is pretty hypocritical while I sit on my Mac and type in a online diary.
Whatever I don't care but do me a favor - Call me if you are mad or annoyed or wake up and boom have a different personality! Can you let me know that? Cuz you can't call me crazy if you are the one making me nuts!

Practicality - should be a Four letter word!

Roger and I have been talking about getting rid of the Volvo and getting a bigger car. I hate to sound like a stuck up American but its just not big enough once all three kids and bikes and scooters and beach toys and such are in - well...they just all don't fit.
And because Roger and I have moments of illogical thoughts we said Let's get an Escalade. And then we said - No Lets get the Escalade ESV - the one that has the full third row and still extra room for my double stroller. Who the F do I think I am and am I made of money????? Although to be honest we found some used ones online for a really nice price. So very long story short I went to test drive the Suburban just to see if I could even drive something that size and I seemed to be able to. Then I thought and thought and thought and overly thought and obsessively thought about it and snap just like that I said 'this is insane! I don't need an Escalade! I need something more practical and economical and something that doesn't cost $80 to fill up - choke, gasp, cry - a mini van.' Roger said NO! And I'm certainly not anti-mini - I mean I drove one before I had kids and was even married as a company car...they are very handy and practical....there is it.....practical.
So Roger starts throwing out van ideas and I am deciding quickly this was all a bad idea. I should have just shut up and never said anything and I keep saying things like 'no no that's ok - the Volvo is great. We'll just make it work. Its all good.' And I reminded I'm at his mercy with the whole not having a job thing - so I get what I get and Roger is good at buying things and 'surprising' me. I'm starting to panic a bit and thinking of ways to distract him from the topic.....sex...lets talk about sex....or the kids....or yes yes I have it...all the money we will save if we just keep the volvo and forget this whole big car conversation ever happened.....

SOOOOOO....I open my computer today and see this.....just taunting me......

FOR SALE NEW!!!! GMC Savana Extend 

Yeah, you think you are so funny huh Roger...asshole.


I will drive my Volvo and give thanks for what I have :)

The Man I Married

Let me introduce you to the real man I married....
He gets out of the shower and walks around with his hands up in the air saying "oh yea. oh yea bitches" while swinging his stuff around in a big circle. Ugh the image.

I bend over to get the dishes out of the dishwasher and my body is thrown forward as he grabs my hips and starts humping me. Actually any time I bend over. Why do men do this? OR is Roger the only one?

If I'm standing and he walks by I can guarantee I'm going to get a smack on the ass.

If I'm sitting at my computer he will jump up on the chair and put one foot on the desk and hump my head! And every thrust requires an "oh yea. Oh yea" and the occasional "you like that?" while grinding his teeth together.

The thing that kills me is I fell in love with this man the second I met him. I knew he was the love of my life - you know how...because he was telling a story about a blow job and a "double fisted twisty" (a what you ask?...you can ask him). Keep in mind I met him at the hospital and this was a work meeting! I had never met someone who made me laugh harder, I was more attracted to and more sexually compatible with!

He is the handiest man and can fix anything!!!!!!!! ANYTHING! I take it for granted that I say "I want a wall here. A light here. A bookshelf here" and he does it. We have a TV I can't work. 3 computers I can't turn on. He is 100 times smarter than I could be. AND FUNNY!!!!!

He is also a grammar Nazi! We spent our Anniversary at the Ojai Valley Inn and Spa (a 5 star resort) and the girl came to take our drink requests at the pool and instead of ordering his strawberry daiquiri with whip cream (thats right - thats what I said) he hands her the menu and says "do you know how many spelling mistakes are on this menu?" Then turns to me like they spit on his meal and said "this is an expensive resort! This is ridiculous!!!! Doesn't anyone proof read this stuff?"

What a giant pain in my ass he is....and I love him extra for it!